Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.