The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name