Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My patience has stretch marks.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.