[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
i smell a pulitzer
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My birthstone is kidney
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.