Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Phones down.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.