Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
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My love language is hissing.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
need a new bf mines broken 😐
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
first you must answer his riddles
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.