[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.