Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My current situation
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.