Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
You Might Also Like
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”