If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey