Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
meow
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack