Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.