My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m literally crying
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.