Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme