Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
every college guy’s fridge
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.