Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?