4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
You Might Also Like
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
sleeping beauty
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it