Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Here’s a meme
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken