“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife