Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You Might Also Like
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like