If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
🤣🤣💀
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.