Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
You Might Also Like
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Grandmother clock.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”