My dress code is business-casualty.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
dutch so unserious
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me after eating Cheetos
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?