I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.