Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words