Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You Might Also Like
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*