Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.