King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.