JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Its a hippotatomus