FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes