Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
the three branches of government
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets