To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT