[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Not all heroes wear capes…
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
why isn’t he texting back
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.