I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids