Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.