Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
You Might Also Like
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
School be like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
at ease…shoulder.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.