When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
You Might Also Like
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*