the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Don’t snitch tag.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.