I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.