I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
❤️🦆
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?