Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.