You Might Also Like
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
it’s the silliest best thing
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block