Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Y’all know who you are.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT