New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
me opening up to someone
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.