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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
😏😏😏
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself