I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied