Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?