If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I forgot how to panic. Help
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls