To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know