There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine